Have you ever met someone that you instantly clicked with? Maybe not in a romantic sense initially, but just someone that you immediately feel comfortable around? Yea I had that someone. Lets call him... Chad. Because lets be real... he was a "Chad". I actually met Chad during my senior year of high school. I was taking night classes at our community college and he was a year older than me, working on his undergrad. We were both dating other people at the time, but really hit it off as friends. I think it was mostly his cockiness and my ability to knock him off his high horse that really became the glue of our friendship. So we would meet after class to run the treadmills together (we were in a PE class- this was not for fun), talk about our relationships, college plans and how we could forge the signature of the gym secretary to say we ran our miles when we never did. So this is how it went for a semester. No phone numbers exchanged, nothing more than a simple classroom friendship that somehow didn't end when that semester did.
Fast forward about a year and Chad and I were both single and became Facebook friends (before IG was cool), snapchat friends and would talk pretty frequently every day. Mostly about how he could get back with the ex he was obsessed with for a long time. And I listened. Thinking to myself, "we could probably be good together". I mean we were already best friends, hanging out at each others houses, going to parties together, it just made sense. And one night we were in downtown Pensacola at The Piano Bar in old Seville Quarter- that's when it happened. He kissed me. Que the fireworks, hire the caterer, this was IT. I must have looked completely shell shocked or he was so drunk he saw three of me in front of him because he looked terrified. After reassuring him that it was no big thing (when my stomach was literally doing back- handsprings) things started falling into place. We text more often, always a good morning and good night, but then I noticed a pattern. "Hey, you up?" Oh boy. We all know what that text means. Luckily for him most of the time I actually was awake. Nursing students never truly sleep, ya know? So I would reply and he would suggest we go grab drinks, go to a party or some other social gathering that involved cheap booze and people I wanted to leave behind with my high school memories. But he was being so sweet, how could I say no?
The back and forth continued on for several years. But the hanging out part started to fade which was fine because one can only smell Malibu and pineapple juice so many times before just the thought alone makes you wretch. So Chad started dating someone new. He always said "its nothing too serious" and "she knows all about you, nothing between us will change". That was the first time I can vividly remember Chad lying to me. Because from then on, everything changed. I was genuinely happy for him and his new girlfriend. She was cute and sweet and blonde- he had a type (typically the type that liked to swipe his credit card). But who am I to judge? The texts went from "you up?" to "hey can you meet me in the elementary school parking lot?" Odd, I know. But it was between both of our houses and in plain sight since we weren't doing anything wrong. Those meet ups meant so much to me. We would just sit in the truck, listen to new artists we found on Spotify and talk about life, love and everything in between. It was like we were back in college. But I had moved on too. I started seeing someone that I ended up engaged to. And boy did that throw Chad for a loop. All of a sudden my texts were going unread. He deleted me off social media and I started getting nasty drunken voicemails at 2am.
"If you will just break it off I promise you I can give you the world." "Nobody else will want you". "What could he possibly have that I don't?" "I'll let her go, I can make us work, I can stop drinking so much." Ladies, if you get nothing else from any blog I've ever written, take this away. He will never leave her. He may stop drinking but he will start again. A man knows what he wants from the beginning, a boy needs time to figure it out. You don't want a Chad. In the end, yes my engagement was broken off, but with my hand to God, it was NOT because of Chad. He left that girl he was casually dating and stopped drinking... for about a week. He wanted someone he thought he could manipulate into a hookup. A "friends with benefits" type of deal. He didn't want me, he just wanted to know that he could still have me. That's when I started feeling like I had an addiction. An addiction to a user. An addiction to someone who had gotten what he wanted his entire life and felt entitled. An addiction that would cripple me. Leave me nauseas for days because he stopped replying and I had no idea what I had done wrong. You read that right- I was thinking what had I done wrong- that's a toxic relationship. This continued for way longer than I'm proud to admit. I wouldn't hear from him for months and as soon as I get in a new relationship and FINALLY start to feel settled and happy, his name would come across my phone. So I took control the best way I knew how- through music.
A lot of people had no idea I had been writing songs for years before I released my first single in February 2021. That song was my way of taking control of this absurd relationship. So I wrote how I felt. I felt addicted. I felt like he was only around when it was convenient for him. I knew the cycle and I still took the shot and felt the burn. Over and over. Until I didn't. To me, this song is about ending the cycle in a toxic relationship. But it can take the form of so many different scenarios. I hope this song resonates with you as much as it did for me. Check it out in the link below and subscribe to keep up with more bew music coming out this year!
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