HEARTBREAK IS JUST THE BEGINNING

You know what's hard- other than taxes and navigating life during COVID-19? Breakups. They suck. As an adult, I feel like they suck more than usual because you feel like you've wasted time with someone that wasn't "your person". Having been on both sides- the one doing the breaking up and the one being broken up with- I finally made the realization a year ago at 25 years old that people who don't want to be in your life, don't deserve to be there. Wow, breaking news, I know. But it's a lesson I've learned the hard way and a concept that's hard to grasp because as humans, we want to be wanted. We want to be desired. And to be desired by someone that you're interested in, in return, what more could you ask for? In October of 2018 I made a really hard decision to end a long term relationship. The hardest part was that there wasn't really anything wrong with the relationship, so it made it harder to explain to everyone. I was at a point in my life where I felt complacent. I wasn't happy in my job, I felt like I was going through the motions in my relationship, I had a hard time finding joy in everyday life and that wasn't enough for me anymore. So I had to breakup with this really sweet guy, left a job that I could have retired from and decided to leave the state altogether. When I do something, I do it big. Here's the point to the stories I'm about to tell you: heartbreak is just the beginning. Unanswered prayers saved my life. Being beaten down to my lowest point was the life changing push I needed to find the life that was intended to fulfill my desires, my calling and my needs.

When I was 14 I started dating a guy who would be considered my high school sweetheart. He was a great boyfriend, a preachers son (yes, the rumors are true lol), respectful, kind and we had so much fun together. But we were kids. We had absolutely no clue what it meant to be "in love", to put someones needs and wants before your own, to understand that fighting isn't part of a healthy relationship and to realize that your decisions have lifelong consequences. We were together for more than six years of my life and he taught me a lot of things- mostly that I could never be an Alabama fan- but when we split I was devastated. I stopped eating, my grades were going down and I couldn't concentrate because I was so fixated on how to get him back. My parents were high school sweethearts and I felt so much pressure to follow that path. But thankfully (I feel like I can speak for him here as well) we realized there was so much more to life. So much more to learn about people, relationships and ourselves. So we broke up, got back together, broke up again.. yada yada high school. But in the end, when we finally separated for good it was because we just weren't ready for what a long term relationship needed and comes with. And now he is happily married with two beautiful children and we've been able to become friends again as adults. So I'll consider it a win-win.

The next guy I dated was several years later. We lived in different states and looking back now (hindsight is always 20/20) I should have known that we would crash as hard and fast as we started. We met at a party (red flag numero uno) and he was the center of attention, so as a natural Leo, I had to step in and get his attention aimed towards me- this is as painful to admit as it is for you to read I promise. He lived life like every moment could be his last. Coming from a very small, slow, conservative town, I was soaking in every second of this reckless, fast, dangerous, exciting lifestyle. Even giving up my dream of graduating from FSU. Practically living on the back of a four-wheeler riding the riverbanks of Mississippi, eating nothing but gas station pizza, Sonic chicken nuggets and drinking Malibu and pineapple juice (just typing that makes my gag reflex go crazy) from sun up to sundown. Naive Kolbie really thought this is what her life could be forever if she stayed in this relationship. Update- all of the people I was hanging out with then are now married with kids, divorced or have moved out of the town, and majority haven't been back on that river since that summer. So naturally on our one year anniversary (Valentines Day- gag me) we got engaged! Truly at the time, I was over the moon. This was my chance to be a new person with someone who I felt brought out the most extreme side of me. In reality, behind the Instagram filters and between the trips back and forth from Mississippi to Florida, I was so unsure of this relationship and who I was turning into. I was changing who I was as a person to fit the lifestyle of who I thought I would spend forever with. This guy worked offshore in the oil industry, so he would be gone for 14 days at a time and then spend 14 days home living his best life. During those times, I was filled with jealousy, because he was out partying while I was in nursing school, I second guessed the people he was hanging out with (ladies- always trust your gut, you're probably right), I didn't have a healthy relationship with his family and neither of us were particularly thrilled with the thought of moving to a different state for someone- even though we were "in love". I let these red flags wave right in front of my face for way too long. Through buying a wedding dress, renting a venue, a photographer, a caterer, a videographer, picking out a wedding cake, engagement pictures, and setting a date, I still had this feeling that he wasn't my forever. So I did the worst possible thing I could have ever done. I broke off our engagement over the phone and mailed the ring back to him. Truly, you couldn't make me feel shittier about it if you tried, trust me. But it was the best decision I ever made, even though the way I went about it was terrible. I quickly found that the only place to go when you're at rock bottom, is up. (And for the Karen's, chill out, he married his high school sweetheart so he got his happiness in the end too).

Fast forward another year, I'm in the center of the pit of hell- aka nursing school- and I decided that girl code no longer applied to high school relationships. Because we're adults now right? The guy that I warned my best friend wasn't good for her, suddenly became good enough for me. Another relationship that came out of nowhere, guns blazing. (And I still hate myself for letting a cheesy pick up line in my DM's get me- hook, line and sinker) I attributed our fast paced relationship to knowing him in high school. We didn't have to have the awkward- lets get to know each other stage. After graduation and only dating for six months, I moved seven hours away from home to live with him. Keep in mind we did long distance for six months... so how much time did we actually spend together before making this big of a decision? Anyways, I got my first nursing job, we had a sweet two- bedroom apartment in a homey area of town in Ocala on the outskirts of the city. He worked in sales, so his days were long, and they didn't end when he came home. After my last relationship I was determined for this one to be an "adult" relationship. Which in my mind meant when he came home from work all the chores were done, dinner was ready, and we could spend our evenings drinking wine on the balcony watching the sunset. HA. Good lord, I spent too much time reading Nicholas Sparks novels. When he came home from work the first thing he wanted to do was go spend two hours at the gym with his best friend. Y'all, I could have chewed my nails and spit out a barbed wire fence I was so mad. That should have been my first sign; I had a lot of anger and jealousy, but I also felt like "hey man, I moved seven hours away from all my friends and family and know no-one else here but you and you don't care enough to spend time trying to include me in your life". For him, all he got was a new roommate while my entire world turned inside out. Needless to say we fought a lot. Like a lot, a lot. Way more than anyone would have ever known, which is probably why so many people were shocked when we came home together for the Fourth of July and I went back to Ocala the next day with my family and moved home without telling him. Again, looking back, this was a point in my life where I was still searching for a direction, who I was and how to handle my emotions. I was angry, so I yelled. I was hurt, so I distanced myself. I was learning to deal with anxiety and depression, but he didn't believe it was real so I was in this fight alone. We were so bad for each other I can't even go into the full details of our breakup without 1) laughing hysterically 2) spilling the tea on who he really was- and that's just not ladylike ;) Again, I was trying to fit the mold of the person I felt my boyfriend wanted me to be, and that was the furthest thing from who I am now. I thank the Lord very often that he left so many prayers unanswered during that time, because if He had let things "work out" between us, someone would have ended up dead. (He too, has since settled down with a wife and a baby on the way- though we haven't been on spoken in years, I'm guess I'm glad he's happy in his life).

My last relationship is the one from the beginning of the story. While being in Ocala- practically alone, I made a best friend working in the hospital. And of course, being a best friend, she just had to set me up with this really great guy that was her fiance's best friend. At this time I had been back in Milton with my family for a while and had gone to Ocala for her wedding shower. What I didn't know is that I would leave that weekend pretty much in another long-distance relationship. Except this time was different. We were both adults, with careers, goals, wonderful supportive families and control of our tempers (and by our, I mean me). We spent time getting to know each other -via Facetime- and weekend trips back and forth, and just dating. My family grew to love him quickly for the way he treated me and his love for Florida State definitely earned some brownie points. He was from a small, conservative town in Central Florida and had the same values that I was raised with but he wanted out of his hometown for a change too, so only five months into dating we moved to Pensacola together. In my mind, this was the best decision ever! I didn't have to leave home, he wanted to be here, I had my dream job, my boyfriend brought home flowers and helped cook dinner and did the dishes and I thought I had finally gotten to the end of the dating finish line. Once the newness wore off, the flowers wilted, the same date nights had gotten monotonous and I realized we had become "comfortable" in our relationship; I needed more. That sounds so selfish, but you only get one life so you better take all the chances at happiness you can get. Once Nashville came into my heart, I couldn't let it go. I had given up my dream of going off to college for a relationship, I had moved two different times for a relationship and this time, I had to be the "bad guy" to make a decision that would change my life in the best possible ways. Being the one doing the breaking up was hard. My ears were ringing so loud I couldn't hardly think, I was nauseated for weeks, my face looked like a puffer fish from crying so hard and it was all because I felt like I was hurting someone in the same way I had been hurt previously. And that's where I was wrong. Even though it was still extremely painful to end a relationship, we weren't ending on bad terms. We didn't have this heated argument, throw things, screaming match like before. We sat down at our kitchen bar and talked things out. How the living situation needed to go, who took what items, could we still be friends? At first we decided it wasn't best for us to text or call each other, but we still kept up through social media and he has been supportive of my Nashville dreams ever since. And I'm sure you're wondering why I didn't ask him to move with me. This was a hard decision, but I knew if I was going to have a fresh start and really chase down my dreams, I needed to start with a clean slate and do it on my own. I am still so grateful that he was in my life when he was because if it hadn't been for his support and kindness through a painful situation, I wouldn't have the incredible life to share with you right now. (He has since moved to two different states to work his way up in his company and is in a managerial position in his career that he loves! We still talk occasionally to check in and show our support for each others lives).

Through all of these relationships, the wonderful highs and literally rock bottom lows, I realized that my heartbreak was just the beginning. The beginning of new opportunities; and eventually a whole new life. Relationships are hard to navigate and when there's s lot of pressure on you to take the next step it can be overwhelming. Or if you've been in a relationship for a long time and it's not working anymore people think that walking away is taking the easy way out. That's not always true. Sometimes you've got to walk away to figure out what path you want to take. Do you want to leave your hometown? DO IT. Do you want to step back to focus on school, or a hobby or a business? DO IT. Do you feel like this relationship has given you all that it was meant to? Don't be afraid to walk away. I've always been a believer that everything happens for a reason, but until I started losing relationships and friendships I didn't understand that some people are only meant to be in your life for a season, not forever. Some people come in to teach us a lesson, others to get us through a situation, some are just acquaintances that make us smile for a while or bring a spark of joy back into our days. And that's okay. Everyone that comes around isn't meant to stay forever, so let heartbreak teach you a lesson, push you and refocus you on whats important. That's YOU. The cost of not following your heart, is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.