My anxiety is silent. From the outside, you would never know that inside my head I'm screaming, or sobbing; inside my chest I'm suffocating; inside my body feels so heavy, sometimes I feel like I've lost all control. This type of panic or anxiety attack usually happens when I'm stressed out. It used to be about school or a relationship. Then it became about money and planning for the future. Now its about going to work.
I get up and clock into work at 6:38am three days a week. But my days look a lot different than they used to. I used to wake up {almost} excited to go to work. I love my career. So I would look forward to picking out a fun printed scrub top that could be a topic of conversation with a patient for the day, and try to be optimistic about whatever I may face during my twelve hour shift; either in the pediatric oncology unit or the pediatric ICU. It doesn't matter what I pick out to wear to work anymore. When I walk through the hallway that connects the parking garage to my hospital, I wait in line to get my temperature checked. "Have you had any coughing, shortness of breath or fever?" Nope. Then they hand me a wristband, like the ones we used to wear for concerts or parties, showing that you belong there. Today mine says Sunday on it. I loop it into my badge and head to my unit for the day. I walk in and change into my issued surgical scrubs and mask for the day. Then, finally start my day.
Have you ever worn a surgical mask for twelve hours straight? I hadn't either, not even as a nurse, until this pandemic. I remember being in nursing school and my palms getting sweaty and my glasses fogging up whenever I had to wear one for an extended period of time because I felt so claustrophobic. Then it became second nature. "Your'e breathing fine, stay calm." I would have to remind myself. These days, its not that simple. Now we wear N95 respirator masks during our shifts. If you've ever tried the experiment where you have to try and breathe normally through a straw, this is what it feels like. Except your face itches and you cant touch it, and your breath is hot on your own face and it truly feels like suffocation. This is where my anxiety creeps in.
"You can't breathe, your chest is tight, your starting to see black spots and your heart is racing." That what my brain reminds me while I'm wearing all of my personal protective equipment at work. But I'm in a patients room giving a baby with a high fever Tylenol while a terrified young mom watches every move I make. I can't give her any indication that I, myself, am NOT OK. Have you ever felt like that? Like you have to put on a facade for those around you because your anxiety, depression, mental illness is considered your weakness? Let me be the one to tell you they are WRONG. It makes you tough as nails. Because I can promise anyone reading this that has met me in person has witnessed me during a panic attack and you have no idea. I've been dealing with this since I was in middle school. But it still sucks. And now, as an adult, I rarely tell anyone I'm experiencing an attack. Unless they're my best friends or family. Mostly because people tell you to sit down, try to relax, slow your breathing. Ok thanks Karen, but if I could do those things right now, I promise I wouldn't be here with my head between my knees. *hard eye roll.
I want to share some tips that I've found to work for me during social situation anxiety attacks:
1. Name 5 things you can see around you
2. Name 4 things you can feel
3. Name 3 things you can hear
4. Name 2 things you can smell
5. Give yourself a compliment or a positive encouragement.
Usually after I've gone through this list, I've distracted myself enough to have calmed my breathing and slowed down my heart rate on my own. It doesn't always work, and sometimes I have to get busy doing something with my hands to take my mind off the attack. Like play with my dog, fold laundry, go for a walk, sing my favorite song. Y'all I have done just about everything Pinterest and Dr. Phil have suggested. Sometimes it works and sometimes it still doesn't and that's OK.
What I'm really getting at here, is that it's OK to not be OK. And yes, I know that's so cliche and I could stitch it on a pillow, but it's the absolute truth. Sometimes anxiety comes in the form of irritability, obsessive behaviors (like that one time I was working out 7 days a week and only drinking water- HA), over-scheduling to avoid downtime, excessive sleepiness or insomnia, lack of concentration or overindulgence (right now I call this PMS). But what I'm getting at is that I can seem fine on the outside, I can come up with an excuse for every scenario I just listed, but I know in my heart that my anxiety has a hard grip on me, but it's not going to keep me from living my life; and its not going to give that scared Mom in the ICU a reason to doubt me as a nurse. Life with anxiety, is just life for me. And I hope that anyone this resonates with knows that I am an open book about my struggles
, so if you ever feel confused, panicked, or like nobody could possibly imagine how you feel. Lets talk.
ITS GONNA BE OK.
When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.