One of the biggest struggles my generation deals with, in my opinion, is social media. We were the MySpace generation and I remember being allowed to use social media for the first time (with parental controls) in 6th grade. For reference, I was eleven years old. Looking back now, as much as I fought and got mad that I didn't have one earlier, or have full access to it whenever I wanted, I wish I hadn't been given the privilege so early. At eleven years old I was suddenly aware that there was a lot I didn't know. Words I had never heard, things between boys and girls I didn't know existed, and now I could compare myself to others 24/7 from the images they chose to upload.
What I know now is that social media of all types: the news, internet, gaming, video websites, blogging, is a highlight reel. You are only allowed to see what others want you to see. And coming from someone who does it personally, you really only get the good stuff. I'll show you the best moments of my family vacations, but we don't talk about the arguments. You get to see the highlights of Nashville through my eyes, but I won't show you the nights I'm in bed before sunset crying because "what am I doing with my life?" has come over me. I'll share my feelings through my music but I'll never tell you how high or low I was when I wrote them. This year I've been more transparent and vulnerable than ever before. I didn't do any of that for attention or pity. I do it so that my friends and family and even strangers that follow me, know that they aren't dealing with stress, anxiety, depression and so much more, alone.
The last three years of my life I adopted the cliché statement that I was "living my best life". Now that I look back on it, I've really been living my best lie. Pictures and videos of brunch with the girls, trivia nights with coworkers, late night karaoke on Broadway and lots of girls nights in with my roomie and the pups. Those moments are so easy to share. This is life I've wanted, in the city I've dreamed of for years. But my heart is still unsettled and at 27 I still have no idea what I plan on doing for the rest of my life. This year on Instagram has been the highest year of my life. Inspirational posts left and right, (limited) transparency, pictures in some of the most incredible places in Nashville, meeting artists I've swooned over for years and at one point an extremely happy relationship. What you didn't see were the days I couldn't make myself get out of bed, much less keep my eyes open from depression. The nights I had terrible thoughts about what would really change in peoples lives if I wasn't here anymore. The panic attacks brought on by a newfound unhappiness with my career choice but no direction of where to go from here.
Like I said before, I don't say any of this for pity, I say this because someone out there needs to know that what you feel, whether that's excitement, sadness, hurt, joy, depression, anxiety, overwhelmed, loved, alone, happiness, you ARE NOT ALONE. Please do not suffer silently. There is someone out there who understands. Maybe its not your friends or family, and that's ok. Speaking as someone with severe anxiety I know that there are fears I have that nobody understands, just like you have fears I will never understand. But there is always someone to listen. Sometimes you just need a sounding board, someone to vent to, talk through a situation, cry and scream to. I'll be that person for you. Because I wished for so long that someone, anyone would show on Instagram what they really felt. And when they didn't, I did. And the responses came flooding in from others who were struggling the same as I was. Silently. Smiling through the hurt, doing it all for "the gram".
There are so many "influencers" on social media these days. There is literally someone to look to for just about anything. Want inexpensive but fashionable clothes? Need advice on how to train your dog? Self care been on the back burner? Planning a trip out of the country but don't know where to start? Looking for new home improvement projects or just someone to make you laugh? There is literally an influencer for EVERYTHING. Trust me, I know...I've tried to be one. Those squares on your screen, they're the best of the best. You see one picture when hundreds were taken. My hair wasn't in the right place, the dress billowed out and made me look overweight, my legs don't look long enough, this pose has been done before. Don't compare yourself to the image on the screen, because I can guarantee you, it's not what you would see in real life.
2021 is going to be a year of pure transparency for me. So read the caption, don't just look at the image as you scroll. I hope that someone reads this and finds hope. Give yourself some grace. Life is hard; 2020 is harder. Don't give up and don't live a lie. Experience your life, feel all the feelings, enjoy them or cry over them. But don't carry them forever. Take back control of your life. I'll be in your corner cheering you on.
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